Dear Will Arnett and Amy Poehler,
The impending dissolution of your marriage shocked me to my very core. You are my favorite couple in the world. Don’t do this.
But that’s not why we’re in a fight. We’re in a fight because I’ve been feeling a bit blocked for new ideas lately. Sixteen minutes ago, I found out about your divorce. Nine minutes ago, I sent the below email to my managers, detailing my pitches for new projects. PLEASE NOTE THE COMMON THEME AND CONSIDER THIS THEME AS YOU MOVE FORWARD WITH YOUR LIFE DECISIONS AND DO NOT BREAK UP PLEASE. But if that’s not possible, then I have to live in a world where a) you’re not together and b) these movies and television programs do not exist. So yeah, WE’RE IN A FIGHT.
Here is the email:
in honor or this horror, here are ten new project ideas. they are all
documentaries because they need to happen in real life.
1. Parent Trap remake starring me as Hayley Mills and Hayley
Mills/Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan. Will and Amy as my parents. No
real plot changes. I am still at camp in act 1, either as a counselor
or a camper, depending on when this shoots. I feel like if we can pull
it together in the next year, I can pass for 14.
2. The Bachelor spinoff where Will is the bachelor. All the
contestants are Amy. JK. That’d be crazy! No. We just really rig it in
her favor by making four of the contestants Amy and the rest a slew of
very wet and unreasonable koala bears.
3. PG-13 horror movie where Will and Amy are the only white people.
PG-13 cause usually there are some white people survivors in those I
think and they fall in love? Haven’t worked out the whole plot yet,
but probably something to do with haunted marbles.
4. Remake of The Awful Truth. Word for word the same, Will and Amy in
the leads, with the addition of me as a statue so i get to be on set
all the time. A cute statue.
5. Someone films me going on a hunger strike until these motherfuckers
Hope Springs themselves. Note: camera is turned off sometimes so I
have meals. Also: I’ll need a trainer to make me look like I’m
starving myself. Additionally: the hot guy from CATFISH is there.
6. We expose that this divorcing couple is a couple of nutty robots
who are doing it wrong. I rescue the real Will and Amy through my
charming use of trickery, cunning and holograms. I wear jumpsuits and
they reconcile except they don’t even have to because this divorce is
a lie. A robot lie. A robot lie and I wear jumpsuits.
7. Mark Duplass and Katie Aselton DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. I’m there
or just maybe just my hologram. In a jumpsuit.
8. Survivor: Marriage. Details TBD. Will and Amy win.
9. A lonely sharpshooter with a silver tongue and a dark secret must
avenge my death. My dying wish is that these two crazy kids don’t
break up. Many shots of me in heaven wearing jumpsuits and receiving
thank-you notes from the grateful couple.
10. President Barack Obama stages a play, but the play is really just
a way of forcing Will and Amy back together. When they get there, they
realize they’ve been acting all along… like they didn’t love each
other. Because they do!!!!!!!!
Ok so which ones do you want to see full treatments of?