We're in a Fight

Dear Will Arnett and Amy Poehler,

The impending dissolution of your marriage shocked me to my very core. You are my favorite couple in the world. Don’t do this. 

But that’s not why we’re in a fight. We’re in a fight because I’ve been feeling a bit blocked for new ideas lately. Sixteen minutes ago, I found out about your divorce. Nine minutes ago, I sent the below email to my managers, detailing my pitches for new projects. PLEASE NOTE THE COMMON THEME AND CONSIDER THIS THEME AS YOU MOVE FORWARD WITH YOUR LIFE DECISIONS AND DO NOT BREAK UP PLEASE. But if that’s not possible, then I have to live in a world where a) you’re not together and b) these movies and television programs do not exist. So yeah, WE’RE IN A FIGHT.

Here is the email:

LADIES:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0„20625962,00.html

in honor or this horror, here are ten new project ideas. they are all
documentaries because they need to happen in real life.

1. Parent Trap remake starring me as Hayley Mills and Hayley
Mills/Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan. Will and Amy as my parents. No
real plot changes. I am still at camp in act 1, either as a counselor
or a camper, depending on when this shoots. I feel like if we can pull
it together in the next year, I can pass for 14.

2. The Bachelor spinoff where Will is the bachelor. All the
contestants are Amy. JK. That’d be crazy! No. We just really rig it in
her favor by making four of the contestants Amy and the rest a slew of
very wet and unreasonable koala bears.

3. PG-13 horror movie where Will and Amy are the only white people.
PG-13 cause usually there are some white people survivors in those I
think and they fall in love? Haven’t worked out the whole plot yet,
but probably something to do with haunted marbles.

4. Remake of The Awful Truth. Word for word the same, Will and Amy in
the leads, with the addition of me as a statue so i get to be on set
all the time. A cute statue.

5. Someone films me going on a hunger strike until these motherfuckers
Hope Springs themselves. Note: camera is turned off sometimes so I
have meals. Also: I’ll need a trainer to make me look like I’m
starving myself. Additionally: the hot guy from CATFISH is there.

6. We expose that this divorcing couple is a couple of nutty robots
who are doing it wrong. I rescue the real Will and Amy through my
charming use of trickery, cunning and holograms. I wear jumpsuits and
they reconcile except they don’t even have to because this divorce is
a lie. A robot lie. A robot lie and I wear jumpsuits.

7. Mark Duplass and Katie Aselton DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. I’m there
or just maybe just my hologram. In a jumpsuit.

8. Survivor: Marriage. Details TBD. Will and Amy win.

9. A lonely sharpshooter with a silver tongue and a dark secret must
avenge my death. My dying wish is that these two crazy kids don’t
break up. Many shots of me in heaven wearing jumpsuits and receiving
thank-you notes from the grateful couple.

10. President Barack Obama stages a play, but the play is really just
a way of forcing Will and Amy back together. When they get there, they
realize they’ve been acting all along… like they didn’t love each
other. Because they do!!!!!!!!

Ok so which ones do you want to see full treatments of?

Dear Ms. Demi Lovato,

Your single “Give Your Heart a Break” has it all: the slow but driving beat, the romantic yet empowering message, the ability to make both my feet and tear ducts spring into action. There’s only one problem.

I’M NOT MENSTRUATING

God, if I were on my period, I would go for hours, dancing lackadaisically and weeping enthusiastically. But no. Not even a premenstrual dance party for me. Do you know how much more I could have gotten out of this song in a heightened hormonal state? It’s period perfection! I want my mood to swing with the force of a thousand uterine linings into the warm cocoon of your musical stylings. But you had to time the release of your single with the middle of my moon cycle, and so the brilliant sun of your work is eclipsed by my ability to regulate my emotions and recognize that what I feel is just a chemical reaction to the combination of cello and teen pop, not you crafting poetry from within my very soul.

Wtf, Ms. Lovato. I’m playing this shit on repeat and I’m not even crying. It’s terrible.

Get with my calendar next time. Until then…

We’re in a fight,

Ali

“…I’m watching the ‘Voice.’ Don’t know why, because I’m not fond of the singing. I call it yelling. Most of the words are repeated. Guess I’m too old for this, but you never know maybe it’s like acquiring a taste for something.

Will love you,

Grandma”

Dear Grandma,

The “Voice,” as you call it, is currently my fourth best friend. Adam Levine has held steady as my #2 imaginary boyfriend for weeks now. Maybe Cee-Lo can be my new #1 grandma. Cause we’re in a fight.

Will love you,

Ali

Dear People of Los Angeles,

Today, under my normal influence of guilt, ennui and Diet Coke, I was feeling pretty depressed, so I decided to eat some pasta and take a walk. The walk was doing me  good, because the air was especially disgusting and I could be all, “at least I’m better than the air,” you know? But then my walk was ruined by a truly debilitating sight:

People eating lunch at Saddle Ranch.

Why is this so sad? Why am I in a fight with everyone stuffing their faces at Saddle Ranch? Many reasons:

1. That means there are people out there who don’t know about Hooters.

2. If the Saddle Ranch diners did know about Hooters, that means that at some point today, they’ll congratulate themselves on being classy for not going to Hooters. They’ll be proud of their class level for dining at Saddle Ranch.

3. There was a woman there with a red-faced toddler.

4. There was a large, co-ed group lunch. How can I feel sorry for myself when there are people who work in the office where Saddle Ranch is a lunch spot? “Hey guys! Whose pick is it for lunch today?” “Who cares? Let’s just hit up Saddle Ranch for their delicious food and sweet atmosphere. Joanie, you in?” “Oh, I was going to suck on an exhaust pipe, but, hmm, ok! You know me, just one of the guys! Chillest girl around! Please, please someone marry me.” And all the girls follow Joanie’s suit because she’s the pretty one. The worst part is, if Joanie had killed herself instead of marrying the guy who suggested Saddle Ranch, she never would have given birth to the wicked, elfin creature that will one day rule us all.

5. I never went inside. These are people dining out in the open, in the gross, gross air on Sunset Blvd, PUBLICLY showing the world that they eat lunch at Saddle Ranch.

6. The waitresses weren’t that hot.

7. Their tank tops weren’t that tight.

8. I saw a sign that said, “Tuesdays! All you can eat ribs, only 22.99!” The price had clearly been erased and changed multiple times. And also, that’s not that cheap. I mean, right? So even if there are lunch specials, these assholes (and red-faced toddler) are really making a decision here. It’s not the cheapest or the easiest lunch spot. it’s Saddle fucking Ranch. They’re eating club sandwiches for $16 and tweeting “wooo lunch at SR!” and oh, God, maybe I’m just jealous that they can afford $16 sandwiches and something so small and simple makes them so happy. No, can’t think this way, just drink another Diet Coke and move on, Schouten, get out of this rabbit hole.

I don’t hate Saddle Ranch or even the kinds of underwear-less wonders who go there and ride the bull and fellate all you can eat ribs. Those girls are awesome. But Saddle Ranch is for night time. Saddle Ranch is for mistakes. If we start blurring the line between lunch and Saddle Ranch, who knows what could happen? The whole world order could become chaos. So yeah, sorry, diners, but…

We’re in a fight,

Ali

Dear Christopher Wool,

I saw this painting four years ago and I can’t forget it. I hate when art sticks in my brain. It’s dumb and not the point of art and I hate it. Haunting beauty can pretty much blow me.

We’re in a fight,

Ali

Dear Single White Females, Miranda July, Technology, et al,

Just saw the above photo and below caption:

singlewhitefemales:

That just got me pretty excited. Conversating (albeit briefly and possibly via the lowest form of communication) with girl crush, miranda july. 

Here’s my fight, though: WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW HOW TO TAKE A SCREEN SHOT ON THEIR PHONE AND COMPUTER EXCEPT FOR ME??

You guys are all having screen shot internet parties and I’m just like what dimension is this party I’m not invited to even in?

No, I don’t want to google how to do it, because then you win and I want to win because…

We’re in a fight,

Ali

PS. Did I just do it? Did a screen shot come up? Tell me if I did it.

No. Please, no.

Dear Alma Mater,

You let this happen. 

You let this all just happen and everybody saw.

If everyone who went to Andover is so multitalented, how come I don’t know how to unbreak my heart?

We’re in a fight,

Ashamed.

I don’t even know where to start. You are ruining literally everything in the universe.

On Monday, we were all going to do Clue for Halloween. I was going to be Mrs. Peacock. I was excited because it’s probably the closest I’ll be to Mrs. Anything. Also, the outfit (!!).

Yesterday, I was informed I have to be some random character from your crazy show I have never seen and have no desire to. When I explained this, my friends shot me with arrows.

I have no idea what Game of Thrones is, but I’m pretty sure I would like to challenge it to a game of thrones.

We’re in an epic battle to the fantastical death,

Ali

PS. Still mad about those arrows, women. Don’t think you’re off the hook from my wrath. You know what you did.

PPS. At least does the phrase “I’m not here to make friends” come up in Game of Thrones? If so, I might be interested.

PPPS. Friends, my demands remain the same: I wear a turtleneck leotard or I walk.

There are two categories of people in here:

1. Those trying to get centered.

2. Those trying to get better in bed.

Well, I’m already self-centered, especially as a lover, so I fit into neither.

I’m just gonna go.

We’re in a fight,

Ali

Dear Academy of Television Arts & Sciences,

No justice for Katie.

We’re in a fight,

Ali

PS. Thanks for the internship. Not.

PPS. That PS is an example of the kind of excellent jokes I can write for television. So, yeah. Your loss.