We're in a Fight: Archive

WILL AND AMY NO!

Dear Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, The impending dissolution of your marriage shocked me to my very core. You are my favorite couple in the world. Don’t do this. But that’s not why we’re in a fight. We’re in a fight because I’ve been feeling a bit blocked for new ideas lately. Sixteen minutes ago, I found out about your divorce. Nine minutes ago, I sent the below...

Sep 7th

1 note

Give my heart a break

Dear Ms. Demi Lovato, Your single “Give Your Heart a Break” has it all: the slow but driving beat, the romantic yet empowering message, the ability to make both my feet and tear ducts spring into action. There’s only one problem. I’M NOT MENSTRUATING God, if I were on my period, I would go for hours, dancing lackadaisically and weeping enthusiastically. But no. Not even...

Aug 27th

Grandma vs. Me and "The Voice"

“…I’m watching the ‘Voice.’ Don’t know why, because I’m not fond of the singing. I call it yelling. Most of the words are repeated. Guess I’m too old for this, but you never know maybe it’s like acquiring a taste for something. Will love you, Grandma” Dear Grandma, The “Voice,” as you call it, is currently my fourth best...

Mar 11th

Poor, dear Saddle Ranch

Dear People of Los Angeles, Today, under my normal influence of guilt, ennui and Diet Coke, I was feeling pretty depressed, so I decided to eat some pasta and take a walk. The walk was doing me good, because the air was especially disgusting and I could be all, “at least I’m better than the air,” you know? But then my walk was ruined by a truly debilitating sight: People...

Mar 5th

Oct 17th

3 tags

Aug 12th

1 note

No. Please, no. →

Dear Alma Mater, You let this happen. You let this all just happen and everybody saw. If everyone who went to Andover is so multitalented, how come I don’t know how to unbreak my heart? We’re in a fight, Ashamed.

Aug 5th

Dear Game of Thrones,

I don’t even know where to start. You are ruining literally everything in the universe. On Monday, we were all going to do Clue for Halloween. I was going to be Mrs. Peacock. I was excited because it’s probably the closest I’ll be to Mrs. Anything. Also, the outfit (!!). Yesterday, I was informed I have to be some random character from your crazy show I have never seen and have...

Jul 24th

Dear Yoga Class,

There are two categories of people in here: 1. Those trying to get centered. 2. Those trying to get better in bed. Well, I’m already self-centered, especially as a lover, so I fit into neither. I’m just gonna go. We’re in a fight, Ali

Jul 18th

Jul 14th

Dear Jen, NO! →

We’re in a fight but it’s the kind of fight where please come over and hang out with me, Ali

Jul 5th

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20498735,00... →

Dear Brad Pitt, It’s not for the reason you think, B-rad. I don’t give a shit if you get married. I care a lot, however, about you calling multi-million dollar paychecks “crops” and leading your children to believe all you do is kiss. I know what to care about. I have my priorities straight. Priority #1: We’re in a fight, Ali

May 31st

May 22nd

Dear Summer,

You’re cold. And not that slutty. I’m bored. This is boring. You’re boring me. We’re in a fight, Ali

May 16th

Dear Shame Makers,

Yeah, we hooked up. Yeah, your not-quite-ex-girlfriend walked in on us. Yeah, we were cool. I was even telling this exact story, laughing, happy, when… The two of you walked into Alcove. And, I being so cool, waved. AND. YOU. BURNED. ME. Really? You’ve both seen me naked but you can’t smile back? In front of all the super attractive people at Alcove, you ignore my wave? That...

May 12th

May 11th

6 notes

Cookies can suck it

Dear Cookies, Next time, how bout you turn out even uglier? I need people to like you so they like me by extension, and you’re really not holding up your end. We’re in a fight, Ali

May 3rd

Watch

This guy takes the club to the street! And yet when I take my roller skates to the club, everyone’s like, ah, you’re gonna spill. I hate it. We’re in a street fight, Ali funnyordie: Look At Me Now Rollerblader Your dad is a real pro on those Rollerblades. Look at his sweet moves now! Someone who reblogs this wins a collectible Funny Or Die talking bottle opener! Why?...

Apr 21st

66 notes

Apr 15th

140 notes

A Dear Friend...

met a boy. In Los Angeles. They made out. In Los Angeles. Then he made tentative plans, for the next day! But, you know, in Los Angeles. Then he called today and confirmed the plans. And now the plans are happening. I’m Confused. In Los Angeles. So: Dear Friend, The haystack called. It wants its needle back. Until someone explains the vortex this boy came from and how I can get sucked...

Apr 10th

10:42am fight

Strolling along with the pup, a Russian woman and her dog approach. Russian woman: What your dog’s name? Me: Jem. Yours? RW: This is Marcchiao (or something. No idea what she said). Me: Aw, hey Mar… RW: Is he fixed? Me: Yes, she is. RW: (gives me a FILTHY look) Oh. That’s no good. She starts to walk away. RW: She is in heat, I need a dog to mate her. I feel violated....

Apr 6th

A band called !!!

Dear !!!, You took my dream band name. And I can’t even yell at you, because how the fuck do you pronounce it? We’re in a fight!!! Ali

Apr 6th

1 note

Battle royale →

Dear Gentlemen, So polite. So mustachioed. So British. May I please join your fight? If not, then we’re in one, Ali

Apr 5th

“‘I have a small, salt-water pool that has laser beams in it and a stereo...”

– Dear Ke$ha, “Ke$ha wants to skinny dip with Britney Spears” Oh, thanks. Yeah, I’m sure my invite just got lost in the mail. Just saying, I’ve expressed interest in Budweiser lamps on three separate occasions and Britney hasn’t even asked how the move to your new...

Apr 5th

1 note

Dear Reelzchannel, →

No one I know has you. No one I know wants you. Which means no one I know is throwing a “The Kennedys” party. Which means this hat, this fan fiction and this fifth of vodka are all USELESS. We’re in a fight, Ali PS. Your name makes no sense. Like something I’d name my kid. But I can’t name my kid after you, so thanks for stealing an awesome name. DOUBLE FIGHT.

Apr 3rd