WILL AND AMY NO!
Dear Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, The impending dissolution of your marriage shocked me to my very core. You are my favorite couple in the world. Don’t do this. But that’s not why we’re in a fight. We’re in a fight because I’ve been feeling a bit blocked for new ideas lately. Sixteen minutes ago, I found out about your divorce. Nine minutes ago, I sent the below...
Give my heart a break
Dear Ms. Demi Lovato, Your single “Give Your Heart a Break” has it all: the slow but driving beat, the romantic yet empowering message, the ability to make both my feet and tear ducts spring into action. There’s only one problem. I’M NOT MENSTRUATING God, if I were on my period, I would go for hours, dancing lackadaisically and weeping enthusiastically. But no. Not even...
Grandma vs. Me and "The Voice"
“…I’m watching the ‘Voice.’ Don’t know why, because I’m not fond of the singing. I call it yelling. Most of the words are repeated. Guess I’m too old for this, but you never know maybe it’s like acquiring a taste for something. Will love you, Grandma” Dear Grandma, The “Voice,” as you call it, is currently my fourth best...
Poor, dear Saddle Ranch
Dear People of Los Angeles, Today, under my normal influence of guilt, ennui and Diet Coke, I was feeling pretty depressed, so I decided to eat some pasta and take a walk. The walk was doing me good, because the air was especially disgusting and I could be all, “at least I’m better than the air,” you know? But then my walk was ruined by a truly debilitating sight: People...
No. Please, no. →
Dear Alma Mater, You let this happen. You let this all just happen and everybody saw. If everyone who went to Andover is so multitalented, how come I don’t know how to unbreak my heart? We’re in a fight, Ashamed.
Dear Game of Thrones,
I don’t even know where to start. You are ruining literally everything in the universe. On Monday, we were all going to do Clue for Halloween. I was going to be Mrs. Peacock. I was excited because it’s probably the closest I’ll be to Mrs. Anything. Also, the outfit (!!). Yesterday, I was informed I have to be some random character from your crazy show I have never seen and have...
Dear Yoga Class,
There are two categories of people in here: 1. Those trying to get centered. 2. Those trying to get better in bed. Well, I’m already self-centered, especially as a lover, so I fit into neither. I’m just gonna go. We’re in a fight, Ali
Dear Jen, NO! →
We’re in a fight but it’s the kind of fight where please come over and hang out with me, Ali
Dear Brad Pitt, It’s not for the reason you think, B-rad. I don’t give a shit if you get married. I care a lot, however, about you calling multi-million dollar paychecks “crops” and leading your children to believe all you do is kiss. I know what to care about. I have my priorities straight. Priority #1: We’re in a fight, Ali
You’re cold. And not that slutty. I’m bored. This is boring. You’re boring me. We’re in a fight, Ali
Dear Shame Makers,
Yeah, we hooked up. Yeah, your not-quite-ex-girlfriend walked in on us. Yeah, we were cool. I was even telling this exact story, laughing, happy, when… The two of you walked into Alcove. And, I being so cool, waved. AND. YOU. BURNED. ME. Really? You’ve both seen me naked but you can’t smile back? In front of all the super attractive people at Alcove, you ignore my wave? That...
Cookies can suck it
Dear Cookies, Next time, how bout you turn out even uglier? I need people to like you so they like me by extension, and you’re really not holding up your end. We’re in a fight, Ali
This guy takes the club to the street! And yet when I take my roller skates to the club, everyone’s like, ah, you’re gonna spill. I hate it. We’re in a street fight, Ali funnyordie: Look At Me Now Rollerblader Your dad is a real pro on those Rollerblades. Look at his sweet moves now! Someone who reblogs this wins a collectible Funny Or Die talking bottle opener! Why?...
A Dear Friend...
met a boy. In Los Angeles. They made out. In Los Angeles. Then he made tentative plans, for the next day! But, you know, in Los Angeles. Then he called today and confirmed the plans. And now the plans are happening. I’m Confused. In Los Angeles. So: Dear Friend, The haystack called. It wants its needle back. Until someone explains the vortex this boy came from and how I can get sucked...
Strolling along with the pup, a Russian woman and her dog approach. Russian woman: What your dog’s name? Me: Jem. Yours? RW: This is Marcchiao (or something. No idea what she said). Me: Aw, hey Mar… RW: Is he fixed? Me: Yes, she is. RW: (gives me a FILTHY look) Oh. That’s no good. She starts to walk away. RW: She is in heat, I need a dog to mate her. I feel violated....
A band called !!!
Dear !!!, You took my dream band name. And I can’t even yell at you, because how the fuck do you pronounce it? We’re in a fight!!! Ali
Battle royale →
Dear Gentlemen, So polite. So mustachioed. So British. May I please join your fight? If not, then we’re in one, Ali
‘I have a small, salt-water pool that has laser beams in it and a stereo...– Dear Ke$ha, “Ke$ha wants to skinny dip with Britney Spears” Oh, thanks. Yeah, I’m sure my invite just got lost in the mail. Just saying, I’ve expressed interest in Budweiser lamps on three separate occasions and Britney hasn’t even asked how the move to your new...
Dear Reelzchannel, →
No one I know has you. No one I know wants you. Which means no one I know is throwing a “The Kennedys” party. Which means this hat, this fan fiction and this fifth of vodka are all USELESS. We’re in a fight, Ali PS. Your name makes no sense. Like something I’d name my kid. But I can’t name my kid after you, so thanks for stealing an awesome name. DOUBLE FIGHT.
Wait, they announced their relationship, on facebook, on Valentines Day? So...– Dear Mom, Stop being funnier and wiser than me when it comes to my ex. We’re in a fight, Ali
Javier Bardem is great in the feel-superbad movie of the year, Biutiful — and...– Stephanie Zacharek Bruised lion? Incredible. Why didn’t I come up with that first? Oh, right… Because we’re in a fight.